My Little One: A Memoir of Love and Loss
by JoeLies
Summary: This story is a collection of everlasting memories, a photo album of the moments that became her son’s gift to her and her way of living. EM story. Please read and review!
1. Everlasting

**(A/N: Hey everyone, I'm Lily and this story takes place at the end of the final of the 4th season. It's a lyrical, heartbreaking and heartwarming story for all the optimistic E/M fans all over the world. I hope you'll enjoy it. Please read and review!)**

Ephram stepped in his dad's house and walked into the kitchen. His dad and Nina sat at the table and Amy leaned against the counter. First Ephram looked at Amy and noticed her puffy eyes, she was crying. She had laid her hand over her mouth when she caught sight of him. Afterward he glanced at his dad who had formed tears in his eyes and then at Nina who was crying too.

"I can't stay. This is so gorgeous and stirring yet still sad at heart," Amy said and tried to wipe away her tears but it didn't work.

"What happened?" Ephram asked confused and looked at his dad. "Aren't you well?" He looked very worried and Andy tried to say anything but he couldn't find the right words. He opened his mouth a couple of times but he couldn't speak.

"We…I mean your dad, he found this in your mailbox today," Nina rose to speak and wiped her tears away and pointed at an open book in Andy's hands.

"What's that?" Ephram asked clueless and walked over to Amy. "Are you ok?" he asked worried and grabbed her hands but she immediately pulled away.

"I can't, Ephram!" she whispered and cried more. She looked sadder than ever. He had never seen her like this, she was all in tears. "I should rather go." She grabbed her jacket from the chair and ran outside.

"Ok, what is this all about?" he walked over to Andy and Nina and stopped at the edge of the table. "What's that?" he asked and repeated himself.

"It's a book," Andy said simply and that was the only word he got out. He couldn't silence his guilty conscience. He equally was sad and delighted.

"Here!" Nina grabbed the book and handed it Ephram. It had a white book cover with two small black-and-white hands on it.

"My Little One – A Memoir of Love and Loss by Madison Kellner," he read the title. "Oh my god," he said with a scared voice.

"It's so gorgeous, Ephram!" Andy found his voice again. "Read it! It's amazing!"

Ephram sat down and opened the book and noticed a handwritten consecration: "In everlasting love, Maddie" Tears had begun to form in his eyes when he turned over to the next side. "Prologue – When I was twenty, my whole life changed. I know there are people who wonder about me when I say this. They look at me strangely as if trying to understand how I could be with him, how I could love him like I did and still do.

When his father diagnosed the pregnancy, three month after my 21st birthday, everything I had believed about myself and my life was called into questions. In the face of the fiercest, most unrelenting truth, I began to look for new answers and he, my son himself became my teacher. Honest, funny and fearless in the way he's living his life with his new parents. He and his birthfather, Ephram opened me to a deeper wisdom, to a more joyful, less fearful way of living.

After the adoption, I began to write about the journey I had taken. I struggled to remember every detail, afraid to forget even one. It seemed a hopeless, overwhelming task. I gave up, decided to wait, to let myself grieve and heal. Gradually, I began to see that the story was still unfolding; rather than ending with the adoption, it had only begun. Now, two years after the adoption there are certain memories – brief memories that may have taken place weeks or month apart – that stand out in bright relief against the background of my days, moments that continue to live in me because they are still teaching me.

This story is a collection of those memories; a photo album of the moments that became my son's gift to me. Maybe this story offer solace to those who suffer, nourishment to those who long for deeper faith, and inspirations to those who want the courage to live their own truth."


	2. For Eternity

**(A/N: Ok, I wrote a new chapter for you. Thanks for the reviews and I hope you'll enjoy it. It is even longer than the last one and you'll find much more Andy/Ephram conversations. Please read and review and you'll get a new chapter. I've so much pretty good ideas on my mind.)**

Ephram was crying after he had read the prologue. He had only read the prologue but he couldn't help crying like a child but it was okay. Nobody laughed or made fun of him. Andy and Nina just watched him weeping and they both were crying too. Andy hadn't seen his son weeping since his mother died. Ephram looked at Nina and she tried to give him a cheerful smile.

Ephram turned over to the next side and read "Acknowledgement – In the first place I have to thank Ephram. Sometimes I wish I could turn the time back to the day he has declared his love to me. I really loved him but there was something deep inside me that held me back. The feeling I had was so strong, stronger than all the love I had felt before but I was not ready for this sort of thing. He made me feel better than ever and he was the one who showed me what true love means. It isn't about different ages or different confessions; no, it is about your heart. It is about an extraordinary feeling and one particular person. I'll always think of him every step of my way and smile and I'm happy for the time I had him with me.

I hope life treats you kind, Ephram and I hope you have all you dreamed of. I wish you joy and happiness but above all this I wish you love. I'll always love you and you're the only one I'll ever care about. You'll for ever and a day has a special place in my heart, constantly. Please remember me for eternity because I'll do. In everlasting love, Maddie.

In the second place I wanna address Dr. Brown. I've often tried to be mad about him but it didn't work. I've often thought about the words he had said the day I recommend myself to him. I've repeat every word in my head what seemed like a million times and every once in a while I've tried to relegate this day out of my mind but I couldn't. Today I know that in the proper meaning of the word he just wanted to protect his son and this was the only reason why I had agreed to leave. I just wanted to protect the one I had loved. I wanna grant my forgiveness, Dr. Brown. And above all I wanna teach you a lesson in an extraordinary way. In forgiveness, Madison.

Dear Mindy, I have to thank you for all the time you've spent with me and all the hugs which got me through all the sadness and the pain I've felt. I know that you're my comfort every day and you were the one who made me believe in myself. I've often thought I couldn't go straight on but you kicked me and made me feel better with every word you said. You'll be my friend for ever and ever and I'll always be there for you. In love, Maddie.

In this special place I wanna thank Delia, my little girl. She is one of these girls who make me feel better. She'll be my best friend for ever and ever. I'll always remember the fun we had and I'll never forget these moments when she wrapped her arms around me and made me believe that it'll come a better time and that the sun again will shine on me. I'll always love you, sweetie. In lasting friendship, Maddie.

In a final step I wanna thank my little one, my son. I'm going to give vent to my feelings, this book is yours. I wrote it to leave a trace, to leave lasting memories for you. A time will come when you'll be grown, a time when you'll ask questions and you'll wanna know every detail. I just want you to know that I've never intended to give you to adoption but I had no choice, I wasn't ready for this. I hope you'll understand it one day and I want you to know that my love is alive, way down in my heart, although we are miles apart. If you ever need a helping hand I'll be there on the double as fast as I can. In everlasting love, Mommy."

After he had read this chapter he looked around and noticed that his dad and Nina were gone. He was alone, alone with the memories and this book, her book. He was still crying about the words she had used to express her story, it seemed like this book was her way to grief and heal. He got up, grabbed the book and went upstairs in his old room. He sat down on his bed and read on.

A couple of hours later he reached the last page of the book. He closed the book and rubbed his puffy, tired eyes. He looked at his watched and got frightened about the time. It was almost 3 in the morning. He read the book in almost 7 hours. He got up and grabbed his laptop and researched a few information.

"Ephram?" Andy asked softly and knocked on Ephram's door. "Breakfast is waiting! Did you sleep here? Are you in?"

"Uh…ehm…yeah, I'm in. Give me a minute," he said overslept and got dressed. His eyes looked still puffy and tired and he looked like he hadn't slept all night long. He shut down his laptop which was still working from the night before and grabbed the book and handled it with special care. He didn't want it to get dirty or broken so he laid it on his old desk. It was not only her story but also his.

A couple of minutes later he entered the kitchen and caught sight of his dad who looked still sad and deeply grieved.

"Morning!" Andy said while he was chewing his cereals. Then he looked at his bowl and continued to spoon his milk. "Did you read it?" he said simply and firmly, trying not to show his real feelings.

"Uh…yeah, it's…! Can we stop talking about it, please?" he stuttered and avoided eye contact with his dad to don't show him his tears. He got out a bowl and a bottle of milk and a box of cereals and prepared his breakfast. "Can you take a day off?"

"A day off? Why do you need me to take a day off?" he asked confused and looked up from his bowl.

"Answer my question and stop to ask questions, please!" he said firmly and sat down across his dad and spooned his cereals. "Ok, I need you to take a couple of days off."

"Yeah, I can but what about Delia? What means a couple of days, a week, two days or three days?" Andy asked confused and tried to find out what he had planned. "Am I to calling Nina to keep an eye on Delia or won't it take that long?"

"You have to call her," Ephram said unaffected and simply and got up to do the washing-up. Andy had kept looking at him for a while until he got up to call Nina. "Yeah Nina, it's just me."

"Nice to hear you, Andy," she said in the same sad way he had done. "Need help? How is Ephram doing?"

"Yeah, need your help," he said and quickly left the kitchen to answer her other question. "Plus Ephram is ok. He read the entire book last night. He looks like ha didn't sleep and I'm at a loss what to do, Nina."

"Am I to coming over?" she asked friendly. "Or anything else I can do for you?"

"Yep, can you keep an eye on Delia for a couple of days? Ephram planned something for us to do," he replied unaffected and looked around to be sure Ephram wasn't in.

"Sure, you can send her over. When are you going to leave?" she asked in a sort of surprise.

"Uh, I don't know. Give me a minute," he said and walked into the kitchen. "When are we going to leave?" he asked his son.

"At 12:00 am but we should leave a few minutes later to be sure we won't be too late," he said looking up from his laptop.

"12:00 am," he talked into the receiver and leant against the counter. "Is that ok with you?" he said and looked round nervously.

"Sure, 12 it is. See you!" she said and hung up. Andy hung up too and looked at Ephram who immediately noticed his dad's look.

"Ok, what's up?" Ephram looked at him. He felt still sad and he would has preferably cried and screamed but he didn't wanna show his feelings. He looked as though as ever, even though a little sleepy.

"Nothing, it's just…aren't you sad? I mean she wrote about her son and her pregnancy and her birth and he's your son too," Andy said and quickly realized what he had done. "Oh, I'm sorry Ephram! I'm not in the right to say that."

"Ok dad, you made it again, you made me mad about you. Yeah, I'm sad. I'm as sad as I was when mom died," he said, got up and kicked the table. "I've lost my son, what do you mean what that feels like? The only thing I know about him is that he's living in Maryland and I just can imagine what he's doing now or what he's looking like. Believe me, there's almost nothing I would rather do than watch him play, watch him grow and laugh but I can't. I know I'll never can." Ephram walked to the door. "I'll see you in my car in 10 minutes, it's a long way to Denver," he said with tears formed in his eyes and slammed the door into Andy's face.

"Good job, Andy! You did it again!" he said to himself and thought about what he could wanna do in Denver. He grabbed his jacket, his purse and his mobile and left the house.

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